As much as I hate to admit it, there is a hierarchy of students in high school. Yeah, I hate it, and it's quite apparent that I don't really think it means much of anything. But, in a way, it's how things operate. Honestly, if there was no hierarchy, East Rivercrest would not be as disgustingly interesting as it is.
This is how it is... For the girls, there's Chryssy Bale followed closely behind that skeezy bitch Jadria Tollison. For the guys, it's B. Poole and then Taylor Kensington. But now that I think about it, there is no second for guys. We aren't that particular about our status. Girls on the other hand, are... and that's why there are girls like Camryn Fetner.
Camryn Fetner is the daughter of East Rivercrest's most well known cosmetic dentist. Dr. Caryl Fetner is responsible for the perfect smiles on all the PTA moms that aimlessly parade the school halls in the middle of the day. Since no woman in East Rivercrest would ever want to be considered second best to anyone, they all go to Dr. Fetner for their sparkling white, perfectly aligned teeth.
Ironically, Caryl's own daughter, Camryn was not blessed with excellent teeth. For this reason, Dr. Fetner put her daughter through the most socially corrupting 3 years of her life. For three years, Camryn Fetner wore SERIOUS headgear... and this orange paste on her teeth that not only made her look like a jack-o-lantern, but it made her mouth smell like rotting sewage.
It was awful. To have a class with Camyrn was like a death sentence, because not only would you smell it all class period, but wherever she went, the scent just seemed to linger there. Needless to say, East Rivercrest smelled atrocious for my freshman through junior year. The custodians did everything in their power to try to rid the school of the smell. They even went to Principal Higgins and asked if all Camryn's classes could be held in the old unused shop room. He obliged until his wife came home saying that Dr. Fetner offered her a free whitening and alignment if she could get her husband to let Camryn have class like a normal student again.
So, Camryn strode the halls with her massive apparatus on her head and her raunchy orange teeth. She and her mom did everything they could to make the rest of her appearance pleasant, if not glamorous. Every day from the second semester of freshman year to the end of our junior year, Camryn Fetner had on an exorbitantly expensive new outfit. Chryssy and Jadria didn't even raise an eyebrow. For all they cared, she still stank and looked like a space cadet. However, some of the B-list girls at ERHS saw Camryn's style and the status of her mother as reason to follow her and be her little entourage.
So, from about sophomore year on, Camryn had this little clique of well dressed tragedy that followed her around EVERYWHERE. Hanging out with Dr. Caryl Fetner's daughter and wearing the same type of fabulous clothes that she wore? They really thought that they had arrived. The sad part was, that yes, they had nice clothes and straight teeth (thanks to their leader's mother), but they stank... AND they were the ugliest and dumbest girls in the school. At least Chryssy and Jadria in their sluttiness are actually attractive and intelligent.
So, this went on for all of sophomore and junior year. Finally, at the beginning of this school year, Camryn emerged free of stinky orange paste and her head gear. I will never forget that morning that we all saw her. Somehow, news had gotten around that she was going to be coming to school normal for the first time. We stood in the concourse that morning and all of a sudden, M came running in saying, "Camryn's on her way in!"
The whole concourse turned to the front doors completely silent. It had to be the first time in the history of the school that it had been that quiet. When she walked in, it was hard to see her because the light from the doors shone around her and made it so that we couldn't see. When she finally got close enough for us to see her, we were shocked.
Before us stood the ugliest girl imaginable with the straightest, most brightest, most beautiful teeth anyone had ever seen... and she was wearing an insanely expensive Guess sundress.
She turned her head to get her stringy red hair out of her face, and like flies to rotting fruit, her nasties approached her showering her with their praises of adoration. The rest of us in the concourse just watched in awe. I think most of us were just shocked with how cool they thought they were, until Jadria Tollison shared her thoughts on the whole situation:
"Y'all, do y'all notice that like for the first time in 3 years, the school doesn't smell like shit?"
12.18.2005
12.15.2005
Tyler Praytor
Every school has a Tyler Praytor. Depending on your school colors and/or your school's athletic reputation, your Tyler Praytor is either a geek or the super cool guy that everyone likes.
At East Rivercrest, everyone likes Tyler Praytor... everyone except me.
Why anyone would go out of their way to show excessive amounts spirit for a high school is beyond me. I mean... it's high school. Half of these super athletes are gonna break something or are too dumb to go on to college to play a sport, so who cares about them now?
Anyway, Tyler Praytor can always be seen wearing red and gold... DAILY. It's like he has never been introduced to green, blue, or black even. It's so bad that people know every article of clothing that he has:
Chryssy Bale: "Don't you love Tyler's sweater?! Yeah, the red and gold one from AE!"
Si Everhart: "You know Tyler's red and gold track pants? I modeled those for Abercrombie."
Daniela Escobar: "How can Tyler find so many cute red and gold things?! I hate being pregnant!"
As for me, I wish I could hook Tyler to the football goalposts by his ERHS hoodie and leave him there until graduation. That way, there'd be no more "East Rivercrest! We are the Best!" or "Go Condors, Go Condors, Go!"
I'm sure I seem like I am overreacting, but I am serious. This is a DAILY thing. I could understand if it was just on football Fridays, or when a sports team is in the playoffs or something. But our school isn't even that good at sports. Like I said, we only won one game this year, and that was against Hiram Hall. And OH GAWD, when we beat them, the Monday after that game, here comes Tyler into the concourse with condor feathers taped all over his bright yellow Gap windsuit with red trim: "E-R-H-S! Number 1! We're the best!" And those damn fools followed him down the hall to the auditorium where he singlehandedly led the school in a celebratory pep rally. The teachers and administration didn't care either. Why?
Tyler Praytor is Tyler Praytor. And the Praytors have a great history at East Rivercrest High School. Tyler's dad, Ernest, was the first student body president AND the captain of the basketball team for 3 years. His mom, Shirley, was on the 1974 State Championship cheerleading squad. His oldest sister, Countess, was the student body vice president and drum major of the marching band, and his twin brothers Peter and Parker were tied for the number 1 golfers in the state and led the golf team to the state championship 3 years ago. His youngest sister, Bev is a JV cheerleader this year as a ninth grader.
But I guess you are wondering about Tyler himself. What does he do besides parade around in condor feathers? Well, we are all waiting to find out. It seems like all he is good for is resting on the laurels of his genetically superior family.
Tyler took his shot at the soccer team his freshman year and we suffered our worst season with the biggest deficits in the history of the school. Bridgeport High beat us 27-1. When Tyler went out for wrestling, a Hiram Hall monster practically twisted him into a pretzel... and for like 3 weeks, Tyler was called Pretzel Praytor, but a school spirit pep talk led by his parents of ERHS royalty quickly retired that name.
Ever since, no matter how lame or goofy Tyler Praytor appears in his spirited attire, the name Praytor has always stood for excellence... at least at East Rivercrest High School it has.
Out of all the ERHS Praytors, none of them have amounted to much of anything. Ernest Praytor is a mechanic, Shirley Praytor is a manager at a local tanning salon, Countess is in her 6th year as a cosmetology major at Center State Technical College, and Peter and Parker opened up a golf store the next city over... where the Praytors had to move when Ernest lost his job as CEO of Automotive Industries when they found out his degree was not from an accredited university. That's right. Tyler Praytor, the most spirited person at East Rivercrest High School doesn't even live in the East Rivercrest Community.
At East Rivercrest, everyone likes Tyler Praytor... everyone except me.
Why anyone would go out of their way to show excessive amounts spirit for a high school is beyond me. I mean... it's high school. Half of these super athletes are gonna break something or are too dumb to go on to college to play a sport, so who cares about them now?
Anyway, Tyler Praytor can always be seen wearing red and gold... DAILY. It's like he has never been introduced to green, blue, or black even. It's so bad that people know every article of clothing that he has:
Chryssy Bale: "Don't you love Tyler's sweater?! Yeah, the red and gold one from AE!"
Si Everhart: "You know Tyler's red and gold track pants? I modeled those for Abercrombie."
Daniela Escobar: "How can Tyler find so many cute red and gold things?! I hate being pregnant!"
As for me, I wish I could hook Tyler to the football goalposts by his ERHS hoodie and leave him there until graduation. That way, there'd be no more "East Rivercrest! We are the Best!" or "Go Condors, Go Condors, Go!"
I'm sure I seem like I am overreacting, but I am serious. This is a DAILY thing. I could understand if it was just on football Fridays, or when a sports team is in the playoffs or something. But our school isn't even that good at sports. Like I said, we only won one game this year, and that was against Hiram Hall. And OH GAWD, when we beat them, the Monday after that game, here comes Tyler into the concourse with condor feathers taped all over his bright yellow Gap windsuit with red trim: "E-R-H-S! Number 1! We're the best!" And those damn fools followed him down the hall to the auditorium where he singlehandedly led the school in a celebratory pep rally. The teachers and administration didn't care either. Why?
Tyler Praytor is Tyler Praytor. And the Praytors have a great history at East Rivercrest High School. Tyler's dad, Ernest, was the first student body president AND the captain of the basketball team for 3 years. His mom, Shirley, was on the 1974 State Championship cheerleading squad. His oldest sister, Countess, was the student body vice president and drum major of the marching band, and his twin brothers Peter and Parker were tied for the number 1 golfers in the state and led the golf team to the state championship 3 years ago. His youngest sister, Bev is a JV cheerleader this year as a ninth grader.
But I guess you are wondering about Tyler himself. What does he do besides parade around in condor feathers? Well, we are all waiting to find out. It seems like all he is good for is resting on the laurels of his genetically superior family.
Tyler took his shot at the soccer team his freshman year and we suffered our worst season with the biggest deficits in the history of the school. Bridgeport High beat us 27-1. When Tyler went out for wrestling, a Hiram Hall monster practically twisted him into a pretzel... and for like 3 weeks, Tyler was called Pretzel Praytor, but a school spirit pep talk led by his parents of ERHS royalty quickly retired that name.
Ever since, no matter how lame or goofy Tyler Praytor appears in his spirited attire, the name Praytor has always stood for excellence... at least at East Rivercrest High School it has.
Out of all the ERHS Praytors, none of them have amounted to much of anything. Ernest Praytor is a mechanic, Shirley Praytor is a manager at a local tanning salon, Countess is in her 6th year as a cosmetology major at Center State Technical College, and Peter and Parker opened up a golf store the next city over... where the Praytors had to move when Ernest lost his job as CEO of Automotive Industries when they found out his degree was not from an accredited university. That's right. Tyler Praytor, the most spirited person at East Rivercrest High School doesn't even live in the East Rivercrest Community.
Becca Gandolfo
At East Rivercrest Middle School, there is this huge Christian group. I think it's called FWSH (Fun While Serving Him). Everyone calls it "Fwish."
"Are you going to Fwish this afternoon?"
"Did you see what Pastor Jake did at Fwish last week?"
"I think I'm going to Fwish this afternoon 'cause this hot girl I like is going."
"Becca Gandolfo got saved at Fwish last week?!"
Yeah, Becca Gandolfo. She used to be the most hell raiaing-est girl in East Rivercrest, until she had an apparent run in with Jesus. I dunno what I think about it. I mean, the girl was pretty bad.
The first day of middle school, she walked up to an eighth grade girl, called her a bitch and pushed her down the eighth grade stairwell... all because the girl called her Becca Geek-dorko. The girl broke her nose and sprained both her ankles. Nothing happened to Becca... that day, or for the rest of middle school. All the teachers were too scared of her. Plus, there was a rumor that the assistant principal, Mr. Diveritti, and Becca's dad, Mr. Gandolfo, had come from the same Italian ghetto in New York City and that there had always been some unfinished business between the two of them. Mr. Diveritti was not gonna do anything to get Gary Gandolfo up in arms. He had moved from a small New Jersey town right outside of NYC to East Rivercrest, just to frighten Diveritti.
Anyway, that was Becca all throughout middle school. Then one day close to the end of eight grade, there was a joint FWSH meeting of the middle school group and the high school group (that group has since died out... Jesus left East Rivercrest a long time ago). Becca heard that they were going to have communion with real wine and decided it was time that she go have some "fun while serving Him."
Well, no one knows exactly what happened, but all we know is that we didn't see her for the rest of that eighth grade year. The next time we saw her, it was the first day of ninth grade at ERHS and Becca Gandolfo was a new person. She had gained some weight, her dark straight hair had turned into bouncy, curly, auburn locks, and her dark eyes sat behind shiny new glasses. In a way, she had gone from dark Italian primadonna to geeky Republican first lady.
When we asked her what had happened, all she could say was, "God is awesome, isn't He?!" Everyone had to admit that God was something, because for Becca Gandolfo to go from punk to "Praise God" in a summer was a miracle.
For the last few years here at ERHS, Becca has tried dilligently to get FWSH started back up here. But like I have already said, it hasn't flourished. Becca is serioulsly the ONLY person in the whole school interested in saving ANYONE from ANYTHING.
Correction: I really would like to save her from wasting her time with the heathens at our school. Her time would be better spent trying to find out M's sexuality.
"Are you going to Fwish this afternoon?"
"Did you see what Pastor Jake did at Fwish last week?"
"I think I'm going to Fwish this afternoon 'cause this hot girl I like is going."
"Becca Gandolfo got saved at Fwish last week?!"
Yeah, Becca Gandolfo. She used to be the most hell raiaing-est girl in East Rivercrest, until she had an apparent run in with Jesus. I dunno what I think about it. I mean, the girl was pretty bad.
The first day of middle school, she walked up to an eighth grade girl, called her a bitch and pushed her down the eighth grade stairwell... all because the girl called her Becca Geek-dorko. The girl broke her nose and sprained both her ankles. Nothing happened to Becca... that day, or for the rest of middle school. All the teachers were too scared of her. Plus, there was a rumor that the assistant principal, Mr. Diveritti, and Becca's dad, Mr. Gandolfo, had come from the same Italian ghetto in New York City and that there had always been some unfinished business between the two of them. Mr. Diveritti was not gonna do anything to get Gary Gandolfo up in arms. He had moved from a small New Jersey town right outside of NYC to East Rivercrest, just to frighten Diveritti.
Anyway, that was Becca all throughout middle school. Then one day close to the end of eight grade, there was a joint FWSH meeting of the middle school group and the high school group (that group has since died out... Jesus left East Rivercrest a long time ago). Becca heard that they were going to have communion with real wine and decided it was time that she go have some "fun while serving Him."
Well, no one knows exactly what happened, but all we know is that we didn't see her for the rest of that eighth grade year. The next time we saw her, it was the first day of ninth grade at ERHS and Becca Gandolfo was a new person. She had gained some weight, her dark straight hair had turned into bouncy, curly, auburn locks, and her dark eyes sat behind shiny new glasses. In a way, she had gone from dark Italian primadonna to geeky Republican first lady.
When we asked her what had happened, all she could say was, "God is awesome, isn't He?!" Everyone had to admit that God was something, because for Becca Gandolfo to go from punk to "Praise God" in a summer was a miracle.
For the last few years here at ERHS, Becca has tried dilligently to get FWSH started back up here. But like I have already said, it hasn't flourished. Becca is serioulsly the ONLY person in the whole school interested in saving ANYONE from ANYTHING.
Correction: I really would like to save her from wasting her time with the heathens at our school. Her time would be better spent trying to find out M's sexuality.
11.20.2005
Silas Everhart
"Si," as the ERHS family calls him, is too perfect for words.
The girls call him "walking sex."
The guys call him, "That dude that fucked Chryssy Bale."
He did... the only guy that wasn't older than Chryssy that she hooked up with. Normally, she takes the collegiate route... and she has sometimes been said to take the married man route.
Anyway, achieving this feat is not Silas Everhart's only claim to fame. Not only does he have the looks and sex appeal of a veritable porn star, but he has the brains to go with it. Si Everhart is ranked number 1 out of 300, with a GPA of 4.9875.
No one understands it. It's like he is a god among mortals. To have the mind of a genius and the looks of a model? It's too perfect even for East Rivercrest.
This year, Si has been going to check out schools like Berkeley and MIT every other weekend. The weekends he's not, he's traveling to LA and New York to take his shot at acting and modeling. Somehow, he is here every Monday kicking everyone's ass in every subject. The only time anyone has a chance to do better than Si is on Friday after lunch. Like clockwork, every Friday right before lunch ends, a shuttle from the airport pulls up to take Si to catch his weekly weekend plane. From 12:30 to 3:30 every Friday, ERHS is Si Everhart free... the girls weep, the guys try their damndest to get a little attention for once, and numbers 2 and 3 in the senior class (Patrice Fendle and Marcus Breitman) work dilligently loosen Si's grip on that Valedictorian position.
For those three hours however, Chryssy Bale talks all the shit in the world about Si.
Apparently, he broke her heart. People say that they broke up because he was too interested in his state award winning science project on the effects of Flourine-enhanced Poly-silicates on Thermoneural Electrolized Sodium Nitrate. Chryssy Bale was NOT going to be second to some stupid science project. So she went to his house (he lives alone... bought the house with the money from his internship at AndrilylitemCorp that he has done every summer since 6th grade), took his project and hid it, and waited there on his bed in heat waiting for him to return. When he got to the house, she said, "I'm not telling you where your Florie-nurie-nitrate thingy is until you take me." Well, Si, being "walking sex" as the girls call him, apparently did some weird moaning/body contact/touchy feely thing to Chryssy and she was done for. He didn't get aroused, turned on, undressed, or even mad. He got Chryssy off, got her to tell him where his project was hidden, then had his locks changed and started avoiding Chryssy like the plague. Even still, when Si sees Chryssy at school, he just grabs a random girl and starts making out with her. All the girls oblige (all but Daniela of course).
For this reason, M likes to walk a few feet in front of Chryssy in hopes that Si will see her coming and quickly grab M and passionately make out with it. This is another thing that makes me think M is a girl, but then again, sometimes I think I would make out with Si Everhart...
The girls call him "walking sex."
The guys call him, "That dude that fucked Chryssy Bale."
He did... the only guy that wasn't older than Chryssy that she hooked up with. Normally, she takes the collegiate route... and she has sometimes been said to take the married man route.
Anyway, achieving this feat is not Silas Everhart's only claim to fame. Not only does he have the looks and sex appeal of a veritable porn star, but he has the brains to go with it. Si Everhart is ranked number 1 out of 300, with a GPA of 4.9875.
No one understands it. It's like he is a god among mortals. To have the mind of a genius and the looks of a model? It's too perfect even for East Rivercrest.
This year, Si has been going to check out schools like Berkeley and MIT every other weekend. The weekends he's not, he's traveling to LA and New York to take his shot at acting and modeling. Somehow, he is here every Monday kicking everyone's ass in every subject. The only time anyone has a chance to do better than Si is on Friday after lunch. Like clockwork, every Friday right before lunch ends, a shuttle from the airport pulls up to take Si to catch his weekly weekend plane. From 12:30 to 3:30 every Friday, ERHS is Si Everhart free... the girls weep, the guys try their damndest to get a little attention for once, and numbers 2 and 3 in the senior class (Patrice Fendle and Marcus Breitman) work dilligently loosen Si's grip on that Valedictorian position.
For those three hours however, Chryssy Bale talks all the shit in the world about Si.
Apparently, he broke her heart. People say that they broke up because he was too interested in his state award winning science project on the effects of Flourine-enhanced Poly-silicates on Thermoneural Electrolized Sodium Nitrate. Chryssy Bale was NOT going to be second to some stupid science project. So she went to his house (he lives alone... bought the house with the money from his internship at AndrilylitemCorp that he has done every summer since 6th grade), took his project and hid it, and waited there on his bed in heat waiting for him to return. When he got to the house, she said, "I'm not telling you where your Florie-nurie-nitrate thingy is until you take me." Well, Si, being "walking sex" as the girls call him, apparently did some weird moaning/body contact/touchy feely thing to Chryssy and she was done for. He didn't get aroused, turned on, undressed, or even mad. He got Chryssy off, got her to tell him where his project was hidden, then had his locks changed and started avoiding Chryssy like the plague. Even still, when Si sees Chryssy at school, he just grabs a random girl and starts making out with her. All the girls oblige (all but Daniela of course).
For this reason, M likes to walk a few feet in front of Chryssy in hopes that Si will see her coming and quickly grab M and passionately make out with it. This is another thing that makes me think M is a girl, but then again, sometimes I think I would make out with Si Everhart...
Daniela Escobar
East Rivercrest is a community that is very far from diverse. Even the houses look the same. Even the subdivisions' names are reminiscent of each other: Eastern Hills, River's Ford, Rivercrest Forest, Crestwood East, East River Falls... Sometimes I don't understand how everyone can stand being so cookie cutter.
Everyone that is, but Daniela Escobar. Daniela is diverse in every sense of the word.
Daniela Escobar is half Nicaraguan, half Colombian.
Daniela Escobar moved to East Rivercrest from Manning, SC, where she hailed from a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom singlewide trailer.
Daniela Escobar's mom bought a lottery ticket that won them 12.7 million dollars.
Now Daniela Escobar lives at 617 E. Crestellyn Way in Rivercrest Forest: the sparkling diamond of the East Rivercrest community.
Daniela Escobar is pregnant... and a lesbian.
Yeah, I know she seemed to just have the best life in the world until I dropped that little bomb on you... But little miss "Latina Suburbia," as M and I call her, got to East Rivercrest and was immediately sought out by all the guys in the school. Her exotic looks gaimed her acclaim from everyone from B. Poole to M (which at first had me sold on the fact that M is a guy, but now that Daniela is a lesbian, I'm still not sure).
No one knows exactly who her baby daddy is, however, because the night the football team defeated our rival, Hiram Hall, she apparently rewarded the whole defensive line with her "goodies" (the offense didn't do anything... they all throw like sissies and are afraid of the ball. Hiram Hall didn't score at all and East Rivercrest scored three in overtime when Jeremiah Gentry tripped and accidently got the ball between the two posts... that was our only win this year).
Well, you're probably wondering about her lesbian status. Well, that didn't come until after she realized that she had been impregnated by one of ERHS's biggest and dumbest. She vowed from that day on to never touch a man again, only be intimate with women, and name her newborn daughter Riarboles (a juxtaposition of the Spanish words for "river" and "trees"). She said if she had a son, she would give it up for adoption because she really wanted nothing more to do with men.
Daniela's story doesn't stop there, however.
Ms. Escobar, her mother, went to Coach Wilhem and told him that there was no way that Daniela would be a single parent like she was, and that he had to do everything in his power to find out which one of his meatheads was the baby's daddy. Rumor has it that she put up $10,000 to have the whole football team tested. Strangely, however, all the tests came back negative, so still, no one knows.
Daniela is probably the most interesting girl at East Rivercrest. She used to be really popular when she first got here. Everyone spoke of her as "the new rich Mexican girl." And she was actually cool too... until she sold out and actually started answering to the fact that she was Mexican, when no Mexican blood runs through her body at all. I would even go so far as to say that she was still okay when she started hanging out with Chryssy Bale. But once she went and made the O-face with the D-fense, she became just like one of them.
But, all things must come to an end... and now, Daniela Escobar is an outcast, pregnant lesbian... no one cares about the fact that she is the richest girl in East Rivercrest. No one cares that she is still a pretty girl. She's not one of "them," so she's just a nobody.
...but I like her still.
Everyone that is, but Daniela Escobar. Daniela is diverse in every sense of the word.
Daniela Escobar is half Nicaraguan, half Colombian.
Daniela Escobar moved to East Rivercrest from Manning, SC, where she hailed from a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom singlewide trailer.
Daniela Escobar's mom bought a lottery ticket that won them 12.7 million dollars.
Now Daniela Escobar lives at 617 E. Crestellyn Way in Rivercrest Forest: the sparkling diamond of the East Rivercrest community.
Daniela Escobar is pregnant... and a lesbian.
Yeah, I know she seemed to just have the best life in the world until I dropped that little bomb on you... But little miss "Latina Suburbia," as M and I call her, got to East Rivercrest and was immediately sought out by all the guys in the school. Her exotic looks gaimed her acclaim from everyone from B. Poole to M (which at first had me sold on the fact that M is a guy, but now that Daniela is a lesbian, I'm still not sure).
No one knows exactly who her baby daddy is, however, because the night the football team defeated our rival, Hiram Hall, she apparently rewarded the whole defensive line with her "goodies" (the offense didn't do anything... they all throw like sissies and are afraid of the ball. Hiram Hall didn't score at all and East Rivercrest scored three in overtime when Jeremiah Gentry tripped and accidently got the ball between the two posts... that was our only win this year).
Well, you're probably wondering about her lesbian status. Well, that didn't come until after she realized that she had been impregnated by one of ERHS's biggest and dumbest. She vowed from that day on to never touch a man again, only be intimate with women, and name her newborn daughter Riarboles (a juxtaposition of the Spanish words for "river" and "trees"). She said if she had a son, she would give it up for adoption because she really wanted nothing more to do with men.
Daniela's story doesn't stop there, however.
Ms. Escobar, her mother, went to Coach Wilhem and told him that there was no way that Daniela would be a single parent like she was, and that he had to do everything in his power to find out which one of his meatheads was the baby's daddy. Rumor has it that she put up $10,000 to have the whole football team tested. Strangely, however, all the tests came back negative, so still, no one knows.
Daniela is probably the most interesting girl at East Rivercrest. She used to be really popular when she first got here. Everyone spoke of her as "the new rich Mexican girl." And she was actually cool too... until she sold out and actually started answering to the fact that she was Mexican, when no Mexican blood runs through her body at all. I would even go so far as to say that she was still okay when she started hanging out with Chryssy Bale. But once she went and made the O-face with the D-fense, she became just like one of them.
But, all things must come to an end... and now, Daniela Escobar is an outcast, pregnant lesbian... no one cares about the fact that she is the richest girl in East Rivercrest. No one cares that she is still a pretty girl. She's not one of "them," so she's just a nobody.
...but I like her still.
11.15.2005
Taylor Kensington
Taylor Kensington fucking gets on my last nerves.
In previous years and far away places, the village idiot was hated and despised. For some reason, every fucking poser at this damn school has wet dreams about the asshole known as Taylor Kensington.
Taylor Kensington smokes pot.
Taylor Kensington failed 10th grade... 6th grade... AND 4th grade... TWICE.
Taylor Kensington is rumored to have had sex with his ex-fiancee's pet ferret (ex-fiancee because of the whole ferret incident).
Taylor Kensington obviously ate paint chips as a child.
BUT...
Taylor Kensington is a god at East Rivercrest.
Taylor Kensington has dated every senior girl at ERHS at least once.
Taylor Kensington has had sex with every underclassman girl at ERHS at least twice.
Taylor Kensington obviously has gonhorrea.
Seriously, Taylor Kensington does have some sort of mess goin' on in his manparts. He always walks around scratching his crotch and then scratching his nappy highlighted hair that all the girls claim is "SO HOT!" If he's not doing that, he's taking a swig from his notorious Dasani water bottle that hasn't had Dasani water in it since the powderpuff game his first sophomore year. Now it is usually filled with Vodka. On Wednesday, hump day, he fills it with Rum though. He claims rum helps him hump better on hump day (he is rumored to have sodomized the ferret on a Wednesday).
So, picture an overgrown, unkempt, unwashed, infested manparts high school student wearing pajama pants, a wife beater, an unbuttoned Hawaiian print shirt, and Birkenstocks, and you have the second coolest male student at East Rivercrest.
He and that whore Jadria attempt to run shit when Chryssy and B. Poole aren't around. Somehow though, they find out and within the next week, Jadria's car is littered with free cheeseburger coupons and Taylor's Vespa has a dead ferret and extra small condoms lying in the seat (M likes it when Taylor and B. Poole are in a fight, 'cause it likes to take the extra small condoms... which is kinda weird).
In previous years and far away places, the village idiot was hated and despised. For some reason, every fucking poser at this damn school has wet dreams about the asshole known as Taylor Kensington.
Taylor Kensington smokes pot.
Taylor Kensington failed 10th grade... 6th grade... AND 4th grade... TWICE.
Taylor Kensington is rumored to have had sex with his ex-fiancee's pet ferret (ex-fiancee because of the whole ferret incident).
Taylor Kensington obviously ate paint chips as a child.
BUT...
Taylor Kensington is a god at East Rivercrest.
Taylor Kensington has dated every senior girl at ERHS at least once.
Taylor Kensington has had sex with every underclassman girl at ERHS at least twice.
Taylor Kensington obviously has gonhorrea.
Seriously, Taylor Kensington does have some sort of mess goin' on in his manparts. He always walks around scratching his crotch and then scratching his nappy highlighted hair that all the girls claim is "SO HOT!" If he's not doing that, he's taking a swig from his notorious Dasani water bottle that hasn't had Dasani water in it since the powderpuff game his first sophomore year. Now it is usually filled with Vodka. On Wednesday, hump day, he fills it with Rum though. He claims rum helps him hump better on hump day (he is rumored to have sodomized the ferret on a Wednesday).
So, picture an overgrown, unkempt, unwashed, infested manparts high school student wearing pajama pants, a wife beater, an unbuttoned Hawaiian print shirt, and Birkenstocks, and you have the second coolest male student at East Rivercrest.
He and that whore Jadria attempt to run shit when Chryssy and B. Poole aren't around. Somehow though, they find out and within the next week, Jadria's car is littered with free cheeseburger coupons and Taylor's Vespa has a dead ferret and extra small condoms lying in the seat (M likes it when Taylor and B. Poole are in a fight, 'cause it likes to take the extra small condoms... which is kinda weird).
Jadria Tollison
M went and talked to Coach Powers today about wrestling...
"Excuse me, Coach Powers?"
"Hey little lady, come on in here." Coach Powers loves to flirt with the girls at ERHS. I don't know if it is the fact that they are all physically enhanced and prosthetic looking or the fact that he knows as a good looking 25 year old wrestling coach he could fuck any damn one of them. But remember, M might not be a girl after all.
"Uh, right," said M as it approached Coach Powers' desk. It looked around Coach Powers' bare econ classroom and wondered if anyone ever learned anything in there. "Are you taking anymore people for the wrestling team this year?"
"Your boyfriend wanna wrestle?" asked the coach, until he looked at M closer while it got closer to his desk. "Um, or do you wanna... Wait a minute???" Coach Powers was obviously ridiculously confused.
"It's not really important who wants to do it, Coach Powers," M said.
"Well, you see, it is. The state says we can only have one girl on the team. We already have one," the coach said scratching his head. "However, we can have as many guys as we want."
"You have a girl wrestling this year?" M asked surprised.
"Yeah, bitches." It was Jadria Tollison: Chryssy's runner up to EVERYTHING. Jadria was Miss ERHS 1st Runner-Up, Homecoming PRINCESS, Student Body VICE President, and sloppy seconds to every boy at ERHS who was getting some from Chryssy.
"Hey doll..lighted to see you, Jay...dria!" Coach Powers said, rather UN-smoothly. M told me that it could tell the coach normally talked to Jadria a lot more casually. Many people say that they have heard him refer to her as Jay-Baby.
"Jadria Tollison is wrestling this year?" M asked perplexed.
"Did Powers stutter, little mister tranny queen?" Jadria asked with a nasty curl in her upper lip.
M had no clue how this girl was going to fight anyone. She was 5'7", had shoulder length curly bunette hair, and a fierce bone structure (either it was a fierce bone structure, or she just purges after every meal--M and I think the latter). Jadria always wore the most fashionable clothes. Actually, Jadria dressed nicer than Chryssy. People attributed it to her emaciated physique. Chryssy was more curvy and bummed it a little more. Still, Chryssy was the head bitch at East Rivercrest. Jadria was nothing more than her shadow. We suppose this wrestling thing was her last attempt to get one over on Chryssy before graduation. Either that or...
"Well, Emily, I mean Emmit, I mean, um... Jadria and I have practice. And uh, you need to go. When you decide what you... um," Coach Powers was obviously distracted by Jadria and her moistening her pouty lips by the door... he also had something goin' on in his pants that was bugging him too...
"My name is M," M said shortly. "And please, forgive me on intruding on your 'practice' time with your new female wrestler, Jadria." (I love it when the bitch comes out in M... it makes me think it's a girl)
M walked out of the room and shut the door. As it walked towards the stairs it heard Jadria's janky mouth: "What was that about? He wanted to wrestle? You aren't gonna let him are you?"
Coach Powers chimed in, "Oh, it's a guy? I can take him on then. I just can't have another girl."
"Shut up, you big dumbshit. I hope you don't think I'm really going to wrestle. I just signed on for the private practices with you..." Jadria's voice trailed away to silence, an unzipping sound, and then soft moans.
M doesn't realize that its attempt to join the wrestling team did more than it thinks... I now know that one of ERHS's finest educators gets it from the second hottest girl at the school.
Jadria Tollison is such a skankwhore.
"Excuse me, Coach Powers?"
"Hey little lady, come on in here." Coach Powers loves to flirt with the girls at ERHS. I don't know if it is the fact that they are all physically enhanced and prosthetic looking or the fact that he knows as a good looking 25 year old wrestling coach he could fuck any damn one of them. But remember, M might not be a girl after all.
"Uh, right," said M as it approached Coach Powers' desk. It looked around Coach Powers' bare econ classroom and wondered if anyone ever learned anything in there. "Are you taking anymore people for the wrestling team this year?"
"Your boyfriend wanna wrestle?" asked the coach, until he looked at M closer while it got closer to his desk. "Um, or do you wanna... Wait a minute???" Coach Powers was obviously ridiculously confused.
"It's not really important who wants to do it, Coach Powers," M said.
"Well, you see, it is. The state says we can only have one girl on the team. We already have one," the coach said scratching his head. "However, we can have as many guys as we want."
"You have a girl wrestling this year?" M asked surprised.
"Yeah, bitches." It was Jadria Tollison: Chryssy's runner up to EVERYTHING. Jadria was Miss ERHS 1st Runner-Up, Homecoming PRINCESS, Student Body VICE President, and sloppy seconds to every boy at ERHS who was getting some from Chryssy.
"Hey doll..lighted to see you, Jay...dria!" Coach Powers said, rather UN-smoothly. M told me that it could tell the coach normally talked to Jadria a lot more casually. Many people say that they have heard him refer to her as Jay-Baby.
"Jadria Tollison is wrestling this year?" M asked perplexed.
"Did Powers stutter, little mister tranny queen?" Jadria asked with a nasty curl in her upper lip.
M had no clue how this girl was going to fight anyone. She was 5'7", had shoulder length curly bunette hair, and a fierce bone structure (either it was a fierce bone structure, or she just purges after every meal--M and I think the latter). Jadria always wore the most fashionable clothes. Actually, Jadria dressed nicer than Chryssy. People attributed it to her emaciated physique. Chryssy was more curvy and bummed it a little more. Still, Chryssy was the head bitch at East Rivercrest. Jadria was nothing more than her shadow. We suppose this wrestling thing was her last attempt to get one over on Chryssy before graduation. Either that or...
"Well, Emily, I mean Emmit, I mean, um... Jadria and I have practice. And uh, you need to go. When you decide what you... um," Coach Powers was obviously distracted by Jadria and her moistening her pouty lips by the door... he also had something goin' on in his pants that was bugging him too...
"My name is M," M said shortly. "And please, forgive me on intruding on your 'practice' time with your new female wrestler, Jadria." (I love it when the bitch comes out in M... it makes me think it's a girl)
M walked out of the room and shut the door. As it walked towards the stairs it heard Jadria's janky mouth: "What was that about? He wanted to wrestle? You aren't gonna let him are you?"
Coach Powers chimed in, "Oh, it's a guy? I can take him on then. I just can't have another girl."
"Shut up, you big dumbshit. I hope you don't think I'm really going to wrestle. I just signed on for the private practices with you..." Jadria's voice trailed away to silence, an unzipping sound, and then soft moans.
M doesn't realize that its attempt to join the wrestling team did more than it thinks... I now know that one of ERHS's finest educators gets it from the second hottest girl at the school.
Jadria Tollison is such a skankwhore.
Preface
pre-ten-tious adj.
1. Claiming or demanding a position of distinction or merit, especially when unjustified.
2. Making or marked by an extravagant outward show; ostentatious.
Everyone at East Rivercrest High School thinks they are the shit.
Hell, I could basically be done with everything I ever wanted to say about my uppidy school with that one sentence. But unfortunately, that won't get me and A on my senior project. This whole thing I'm writing is basically an attempt for all the senior's teachers to get one last surge of creative genius out of the wastes of life at this school before they go off to college, get strung out on coke, attract herpes, go into ungodly debt, or get banged up (all in the first semester).
Needless to say, I am not one of those individuals who is planning on going to a picturesque big state college with busty blonde co-eds and strapping shirtless rugby players. I'm going to Fordman Liberal Arts College. I have to get away from the Chryssandra Bales and Bradley Pooles of the world.
Chryssandra Bale and Bradley Poole--Miss East Rivercrest and captain of the 4 time All-state Champion wrestling team. Dumbest slut bitch I ever had the displeasure of meeting and the most muscle I've ever seen accompaning the saddest excuse of a person in my life. Nevermind what I think though. Chryssandra "Chryssy" Bale and Bradley "B. Poole" Poole strut around the halls of ERHS like veritable deities. No one seems to care that Chryssy has slept with B. Poole and all of his wrestling team mates, or that B. Poole has done the same... yeah.
Everyone around here is so fucking jaded. I can't wait to get out of here--to get to a place where there are people who aren't so involved in "the scene." I need to get to a place where people aren't so transparent.
It's the transparency of my East Rivercrest classmates that will aid me in writing this last hurrah about my shithole utopia of a school... that and my partner in crime, M.
M is just as vague as its name. And I say "its" because from the day M mysteriously emerged from the projection room above the auditorium during the valet parking assembly back in sophomore year, no one has ever figured out its sexuality. Mainly because no one talks to M... no one but me. And I haven't asked M just because I think it's cool... not that M is cool, but the fact that I have a friend whose sexuality is unknown to everyone.
However, as one could probably guess, the ambiguity is not appreciated amongst most of the illustrious ERHS Condors.
See, that's the thing though... everyone is expected to be the same. Everyone is expected to be like everyone else. Everyone is expected to have a fucking gender. Let the thing be an it. No one cares. Hell, if it's any consolation, there's a possibility that M could fuck both Chryssy and B. Poole... just like the wrestlers... Hmm...
Gotta go for now. I need to tell M that it has to join the wrestling team before graduation.
1. Claiming or demanding a position of distinction or merit, especially when unjustified.
2. Making or marked by an extravagant outward show; ostentatious.
Everyone at East Rivercrest High School thinks they are the shit.
Hell, I could basically be done with everything I ever wanted to say about my uppidy school with that one sentence. But unfortunately, that won't get me and A on my senior project. This whole thing I'm writing is basically an attempt for all the senior's teachers to get one last surge of creative genius out of the wastes of life at this school before they go off to college, get strung out on coke, attract herpes, go into ungodly debt, or get banged up (all in the first semester).
Needless to say, I am not one of those individuals who is planning on going to a picturesque big state college with busty blonde co-eds and strapping shirtless rugby players. I'm going to Fordman Liberal Arts College. I have to get away from the Chryssandra Bales and Bradley Pooles of the world.
Chryssandra Bale and Bradley Poole--Miss East Rivercrest and captain of the 4 time All-state Champion wrestling team. Dumbest slut bitch I ever had the displeasure of meeting and the most muscle I've ever seen accompaning the saddest excuse of a person in my life. Nevermind what I think though. Chryssandra "Chryssy" Bale and Bradley "B. Poole" Poole strut around the halls of ERHS like veritable deities. No one seems to care that Chryssy has slept with B. Poole and all of his wrestling team mates, or that B. Poole has done the same... yeah.
Everyone around here is so fucking jaded. I can't wait to get out of here--to get to a place where there are people who aren't so involved in "the scene." I need to get to a place where people aren't so transparent.
It's the transparency of my East Rivercrest classmates that will aid me in writing this last hurrah about my shithole utopia of a school... that and my partner in crime, M.
M is just as vague as its name. And I say "its" because from the day M mysteriously emerged from the projection room above the auditorium during the valet parking assembly back in sophomore year, no one has ever figured out its sexuality. Mainly because no one talks to M... no one but me. And I haven't asked M just because I think it's cool... not that M is cool, but the fact that I have a friend whose sexuality is unknown to everyone.
However, as one could probably guess, the ambiguity is not appreciated amongst most of the illustrious ERHS Condors.
See, that's the thing though... everyone is expected to be the same. Everyone is expected to be like everyone else. Everyone is expected to have a fucking gender. Let the thing be an it. No one cares. Hell, if it's any consolation, there's a possibility that M could fuck both Chryssy and B. Poole... just like the wrestlers... Hmm...
Gotta go for now. I need to tell M that it has to join the wrestling team before graduation.
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