Daniela Escobar

East Rivercrest is a community that is very far from diverse. Even the houses look the same. Even the subdivisions' names are reminiscent of each other: Eastern Hills, River's Ford, Rivercrest Forest, Crestwood East, East River Falls... Sometimes I don't understand how everyone can stand being so cookie cutter.

Everyone that is, but Daniela Escobar. Daniela is diverse in every sense of the word.

Daniela Escobar is half Nicaraguan, half Colombian.

Daniela Escobar moved to East Rivercrest from Manning, SC, where she hailed from a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom singlewide trailer.

Daniela Escobar's mom bought a lottery ticket that won them 12.7 million dollars.

Now Daniela Escobar lives at 617 E. Crestellyn Way in Rivercrest Forest: the sparkling diamond of the East Rivercrest community.

Daniela Escobar is pregnant... and a lesbian.

Yeah, I know she seemed to just have the best life in the world until I dropped that little bomb on you... But little miss "Latina Suburbia," as M and I call her, got to East Rivercrest and was immediately sought out by all the guys in the school. Her exotic looks gaimed her acclaim from everyone from B. Poole to M (which at first had me sold on the fact that M is a guy, but now that Daniela is a lesbian, I'm still not sure).

No one knows exactly who her baby daddy is, however, because the night the football team defeated our rival, Hiram Hall, she apparently rewarded the whole defensive line with her "goodies" (the offense didn't do anything... they all throw like sissies and are afraid of the ball. Hiram Hall didn't score at all and East Rivercrest scored three in overtime when Jeremiah Gentry tripped and accidently got the ball between the two posts... that was our only win this year).

Well, you're probably wondering about her lesbian status. Well, that didn't come until after she realized that she had been impregnated by one of ERHS's biggest and dumbest. She vowed from that day on to never touch a man again, only be intimate with women, and name her newborn daughter Riarboles (a juxtaposition of the Spanish words for "river" and "trees"). She said if she had a son, she would give it up for adoption because she really wanted nothing more to do with men.

Daniela's story doesn't stop there, however.

Ms. Escobar, her mother, went to Coach Wilhem and told him that there was no way that Daniela would be a single parent like she was, and that he had to do everything in his power to find out which one of his meatheads was the baby's daddy. Rumor has it that she put up $10,000 to have the whole football team tested. Strangely, however, all the tests came back negative, so still, no one knows.

Daniela is probably the most interesting girl at East Rivercrest. She used to be really popular when she first got here. Everyone spoke of her as "the new rich Mexican girl." And she was actually cool too... until she sold out and actually started answering to the fact that she was Mexican, when no Mexican blood runs through her body at all. I would even go so far as to say that she was still okay when she started hanging out with Chryssy Bale. But once she went and made the O-face with the D-fense, she became just like one of them.

But, all things must come to an end... and now, Daniela Escobar is an outcast, pregnant lesbian... no one cares about the fact that she is the richest girl in East Rivercrest. No one cares that she is still a pretty girl. She's not one of "them," so she's just a nobody.

...but I like her still.