As much as I hate to admit it, there is a hierarchy of students in high school. Yeah, I hate it, and it's quite apparent that I don't really think it means much of anything. But, in a way, it's how things operate. Honestly, if there was no hierarchy, East Rivercrest would not be as disgustingly interesting as it is.
This is how it is... For the girls, there's Chryssy Bale followed closely behind that skeezy bitch Jadria Tollison. For the guys, it's B. Poole and then Taylor Kensington. But now that I think about it, there is no second for guys. We aren't that particular about our status. Girls on the other hand, are... and that's why there are girls like Camryn Fetner.
Camryn Fetner is the daughter of East Rivercrest's most well known cosmetic dentist. Dr. Caryl Fetner is responsible for the perfect smiles on all the PTA moms that aimlessly parade the school halls in the middle of the day. Since no woman in East Rivercrest would ever want to be considered second best to anyone, they all go to Dr. Fetner for their sparkling white, perfectly aligned teeth.
Ironically, Caryl's own daughter, Camryn was not blessed with excellent teeth. For this reason, Dr. Fetner put her daughter through the most socially corrupting 3 years of her life. For three years, Camryn Fetner wore SERIOUS headgear... and this orange paste on her teeth that not only made her look like a jack-o-lantern, but it made her mouth smell like rotting sewage.
It was awful. To have a class with Camyrn was like a death sentence, because not only would you smell it all class period, but wherever she went, the scent just seemed to linger there. Needless to say, East Rivercrest smelled atrocious for my freshman through junior year. The custodians did everything in their power to try to rid the school of the smell. They even went to Principal Higgins and asked if all Camryn's classes could be held in the old unused shop room. He obliged until his wife came home saying that Dr. Fetner offered her a free whitening and alignment if she could get her husband to let Camryn have class like a normal student again.
So, Camryn strode the halls with her massive apparatus on her head and her raunchy orange teeth. She and her mom did everything they could to make the rest of her appearance pleasant, if not glamorous. Every day from the second semester of freshman year to the end of our junior year, Camryn Fetner had on an exorbitantly expensive new outfit. Chryssy and Jadria didn't even raise an eyebrow. For all they cared, she still stank and looked like a space cadet. However, some of the B-list girls at ERHS saw Camryn's style and the status of her mother as reason to follow her and be her little entourage.
So, from about sophomore year on, Camryn had this little clique of well dressed tragedy that followed her around EVERYWHERE. Hanging out with Dr. Caryl Fetner's daughter and wearing the same type of fabulous clothes that she wore? They really thought that they had arrived. The sad part was, that yes, they had nice clothes and straight teeth (thanks to their leader's mother), but they stank... AND they were the ugliest and dumbest girls in the school. At least Chryssy and Jadria in their sluttiness are actually attractive and intelligent.
So, this went on for all of sophomore and junior year. Finally, at the beginning of this school year, Camryn emerged free of stinky orange paste and her head gear. I will never forget that morning that we all saw her. Somehow, news had gotten around that she was going to be coming to school normal for the first time. We stood in the concourse that morning and all of a sudden, M came running in saying, "Camryn's on her way in!"
The whole concourse turned to the front doors completely silent. It had to be the first time in the history of the school that it had been that quiet. When she walked in, it was hard to see her because the light from the doors shone around her and made it so that we couldn't see. When she finally got close enough for us to see her, we were shocked.
Before us stood the ugliest girl imaginable with the straightest, most brightest, most beautiful teeth anyone had ever seen... and she was wearing an insanely expensive Guess sundress.
She turned her head to get her stringy red hair out of her face, and like flies to rotting fruit, her nasties approached her showering her with their praises of adoration. The rest of us in the concourse just watched in awe. I think most of us were just shocked with how cool they thought they were, until Jadria Tollison shared her thoughts on the whole situation:
"Y'all, do y'all notice that like for the first time in 3 years, the school doesn't smell like shit?"
12.18.2005
12.15.2005
Tyler Praytor
Every school has a Tyler Praytor. Depending on your school colors and/or your school's athletic reputation, your Tyler Praytor is either a geek or the super cool guy that everyone likes.
At East Rivercrest, everyone likes Tyler Praytor... everyone except me.
Why anyone would go out of their way to show excessive amounts spirit for a high school is beyond me. I mean... it's high school. Half of these super athletes are gonna break something or are too dumb to go on to college to play a sport, so who cares about them now?
Anyway, Tyler Praytor can always be seen wearing red and gold... DAILY. It's like he has never been introduced to green, blue, or black even. It's so bad that people know every article of clothing that he has:
Chryssy Bale: "Don't you love Tyler's sweater?! Yeah, the red and gold one from AE!"
Si Everhart: "You know Tyler's red and gold track pants? I modeled those for Abercrombie."
Daniela Escobar: "How can Tyler find so many cute red and gold things?! I hate being pregnant!"
As for me, I wish I could hook Tyler to the football goalposts by his ERHS hoodie and leave him there until graduation. That way, there'd be no more "East Rivercrest! We are the Best!" or "Go Condors, Go Condors, Go!"
I'm sure I seem like I am overreacting, but I am serious. This is a DAILY thing. I could understand if it was just on football Fridays, or when a sports team is in the playoffs or something. But our school isn't even that good at sports. Like I said, we only won one game this year, and that was against Hiram Hall. And OH GAWD, when we beat them, the Monday after that game, here comes Tyler into the concourse with condor feathers taped all over his bright yellow Gap windsuit with red trim: "E-R-H-S! Number 1! We're the best!" And those damn fools followed him down the hall to the auditorium where he singlehandedly led the school in a celebratory pep rally. The teachers and administration didn't care either. Why?
Tyler Praytor is Tyler Praytor. And the Praytors have a great history at East Rivercrest High School. Tyler's dad, Ernest, was the first student body president AND the captain of the basketball team for 3 years. His mom, Shirley, was on the 1974 State Championship cheerleading squad. His oldest sister, Countess, was the student body vice president and drum major of the marching band, and his twin brothers Peter and Parker were tied for the number 1 golfers in the state and led the golf team to the state championship 3 years ago. His youngest sister, Bev is a JV cheerleader this year as a ninth grader.
But I guess you are wondering about Tyler himself. What does he do besides parade around in condor feathers? Well, we are all waiting to find out. It seems like all he is good for is resting on the laurels of his genetically superior family.
Tyler took his shot at the soccer team his freshman year and we suffered our worst season with the biggest deficits in the history of the school. Bridgeport High beat us 27-1. When Tyler went out for wrestling, a Hiram Hall monster practically twisted him into a pretzel... and for like 3 weeks, Tyler was called Pretzel Praytor, but a school spirit pep talk led by his parents of ERHS royalty quickly retired that name.
Ever since, no matter how lame or goofy Tyler Praytor appears in his spirited attire, the name Praytor has always stood for excellence... at least at East Rivercrest High School it has.
Out of all the ERHS Praytors, none of them have amounted to much of anything. Ernest Praytor is a mechanic, Shirley Praytor is a manager at a local tanning salon, Countess is in her 6th year as a cosmetology major at Center State Technical College, and Peter and Parker opened up a golf store the next city over... where the Praytors had to move when Ernest lost his job as CEO of Automotive Industries when they found out his degree was not from an accredited university. That's right. Tyler Praytor, the most spirited person at East Rivercrest High School doesn't even live in the East Rivercrest Community.
At East Rivercrest, everyone likes Tyler Praytor... everyone except me.
Why anyone would go out of their way to show excessive amounts spirit for a high school is beyond me. I mean... it's high school. Half of these super athletes are gonna break something or are too dumb to go on to college to play a sport, so who cares about them now?
Anyway, Tyler Praytor can always be seen wearing red and gold... DAILY. It's like he has never been introduced to green, blue, or black even. It's so bad that people know every article of clothing that he has:
Chryssy Bale: "Don't you love Tyler's sweater?! Yeah, the red and gold one from AE!"
Si Everhart: "You know Tyler's red and gold track pants? I modeled those for Abercrombie."
Daniela Escobar: "How can Tyler find so many cute red and gold things?! I hate being pregnant!"
As for me, I wish I could hook Tyler to the football goalposts by his ERHS hoodie and leave him there until graduation. That way, there'd be no more "East Rivercrest! We are the Best!" or "Go Condors, Go Condors, Go!"
I'm sure I seem like I am overreacting, but I am serious. This is a DAILY thing. I could understand if it was just on football Fridays, or when a sports team is in the playoffs or something. But our school isn't even that good at sports. Like I said, we only won one game this year, and that was against Hiram Hall. And OH GAWD, when we beat them, the Monday after that game, here comes Tyler into the concourse with condor feathers taped all over his bright yellow Gap windsuit with red trim: "E-R-H-S! Number 1! We're the best!" And those damn fools followed him down the hall to the auditorium where he singlehandedly led the school in a celebratory pep rally. The teachers and administration didn't care either. Why?
Tyler Praytor is Tyler Praytor. And the Praytors have a great history at East Rivercrest High School. Tyler's dad, Ernest, was the first student body president AND the captain of the basketball team for 3 years. His mom, Shirley, was on the 1974 State Championship cheerleading squad. His oldest sister, Countess, was the student body vice president and drum major of the marching band, and his twin brothers Peter and Parker were tied for the number 1 golfers in the state and led the golf team to the state championship 3 years ago. His youngest sister, Bev is a JV cheerleader this year as a ninth grader.
But I guess you are wondering about Tyler himself. What does he do besides parade around in condor feathers? Well, we are all waiting to find out. It seems like all he is good for is resting on the laurels of his genetically superior family.
Tyler took his shot at the soccer team his freshman year and we suffered our worst season with the biggest deficits in the history of the school. Bridgeport High beat us 27-1. When Tyler went out for wrestling, a Hiram Hall monster practically twisted him into a pretzel... and for like 3 weeks, Tyler was called Pretzel Praytor, but a school spirit pep talk led by his parents of ERHS royalty quickly retired that name.
Ever since, no matter how lame or goofy Tyler Praytor appears in his spirited attire, the name Praytor has always stood for excellence... at least at East Rivercrest High School it has.
Out of all the ERHS Praytors, none of them have amounted to much of anything. Ernest Praytor is a mechanic, Shirley Praytor is a manager at a local tanning salon, Countess is in her 6th year as a cosmetology major at Center State Technical College, and Peter and Parker opened up a golf store the next city over... where the Praytors had to move when Ernest lost his job as CEO of Automotive Industries when they found out his degree was not from an accredited university. That's right. Tyler Praytor, the most spirited person at East Rivercrest High School doesn't even live in the East Rivercrest Community.
Becca Gandolfo
At East Rivercrest Middle School, there is this huge Christian group. I think it's called FWSH (Fun While Serving Him). Everyone calls it "Fwish."
"Are you going to Fwish this afternoon?"
"Did you see what Pastor Jake did at Fwish last week?"
"I think I'm going to Fwish this afternoon 'cause this hot girl I like is going."
"Becca Gandolfo got saved at Fwish last week?!"
Yeah, Becca Gandolfo. She used to be the most hell raiaing-est girl in East Rivercrest, until she had an apparent run in with Jesus. I dunno what I think about it. I mean, the girl was pretty bad.
The first day of middle school, she walked up to an eighth grade girl, called her a bitch and pushed her down the eighth grade stairwell... all because the girl called her Becca Geek-dorko. The girl broke her nose and sprained both her ankles. Nothing happened to Becca... that day, or for the rest of middle school. All the teachers were too scared of her. Plus, there was a rumor that the assistant principal, Mr. Diveritti, and Becca's dad, Mr. Gandolfo, had come from the same Italian ghetto in New York City and that there had always been some unfinished business between the two of them. Mr. Diveritti was not gonna do anything to get Gary Gandolfo up in arms. He had moved from a small New Jersey town right outside of NYC to East Rivercrest, just to frighten Diveritti.
Anyway, that was Becca all throughout middle school. Then one day close to the end of eight grade, there was a joint FWSH meeting of the middle school group and the high school group (that group has since died out... Jesus left East Rivercrest a long time ago). Becca heard that they were going to have communion with real wine and decided it was time that she go have some "fun while serving Him."
Well, no one knows exactly what happened, but all we know is that we didn't see her for the rest of that eighth grade year. The next time we saw her, it was the first day of ninth grade at ERHS and Becca Gandolfo was a new person. She had gained some weight, her dark straight hair had turned into bouncy, curly, auburn locks, and her dark eyes sat behind shiny new glasses. In a way, she had gone from dark Italian primadonna to geeky Republican first lady.
When we asked her what had happened, all she could say was, "God is awesome, isn't He?!" Everyone had to admit that God was something, because for Becca Gandolfo to go from punk to "Praise God" in a summer was a miracle.
For the last few years here at ERHS, Becca has tried dilligently to get FWSH started back up here. But like I have already said, it hasn't flourished. Becca is serioulsly the ONLY person in the whole school interested in saving ANYONE from ANYTHING.
Correction: I really would like to save her from wasting her time with the heathens at our school. Her time would be better spent trying to find out M's sexuality.
"Are you going to Fwish this afternoon?"
"Did you see what Pastor Jake did at Fwish last week?"
"I think I'm going to Fwish this afternoon 'cause this hot girl I like is going."
"Becca Gandolfo got saved at Fwish last week?!"
Yeah, Becca Gandolfo. She used to be the most hell raiaing-est girl in East Rivercrest, until she had an apparent run in with Jesus. I dunno what I think about it. I mean, the girl was pretty bad.
The first day of middle school, she walked up to an eighth grade girl, called her a bitch and pushed her down the eighth grade stairwell... all because the girl called her Becca Geek-dorko. The girl broke her nose and sprained both her ankles. Nothing happened to Becca... that day, or for the rest of middle school. All the teachers were too scared of her. Plus, there was a rumor that the assistant principal, Mr. Diveritti, and Becca's dad, Mr. Gandolfo, had come from the same Italian ghetto in New York City and that there had always been some unfinished business between the two of them. Mr. Diveritti was not gonna do anything to get Gary Gandolfo up in arms. He had moved from a small New Jersey town right outside of NYC to East Rivercrest, just to frighten Diveritti.
Anyway, that was Becca all throughout middle school. Then one day close to the end of eight grade, there was a joint FWSH meeting of the middle school group and the high school group (that group has since died out... Jesus left East Rivercrest a long time ago). Becca heard that they were going to have communion with real wine and decided it was time that she go have some "fun while serving Him."
Well, no one knows exactly what happened, but all we know is that we didn't see her for the rest of that eighth grade year. The next time we saw her, it was the first day of ninth grade at ERHS and Becca Gandolfo was a new person. She had gained some weight, her dark straight hair had turned into bouncy, curly, auburn locks, and her dark eyes sat behind shiny new glasses. In a way, she had gone from dark Italian primadonna to geeky Republican first lady.
When we asked her what had happened, all she could say was, "God is awesome, isn't He?!" Everyone had to admit that God was something, because for Becca Gandolfo to go from punk to "Praise God" in a summer was a miracle.
For the last few years here at ERHS, Becca has tried dilligently to get FWSH started back up here. But like I have already said, it hasn't flourished. Becca is serioulsly the ONLY person in the whole school interested in saving ANYONE from ANYTHING.
Correction: I really would like to save her from wasting her time with the heathens at our school. Her time would be better spent trying to find out M's sexuality.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
